omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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