he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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