omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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