I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
