I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
