im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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