his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
