I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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