Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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