in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
