Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
