Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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