i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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