so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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