Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
