Soap is not a condiment
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
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