you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i came on her dog
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
