I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Banned from zoo.
Again?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Randomize
