I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
