my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Randomize
