I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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