I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
