After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
