I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
