I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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