Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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