Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Randomize
