I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Too much gin, very little bucket
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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