Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
