My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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