I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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