So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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