Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize