no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
