I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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