He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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