A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
