i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
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