You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
