He uses pillows to masturbate.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
