My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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