I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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