I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
