last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
