it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
