Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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