I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
The uberlube is also flammable
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
