and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
