Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
