Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
