I think scott just propositioned me for sex
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
