he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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