She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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