Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
