I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
