update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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