There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
