I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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