Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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