I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
