i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
