just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Is Oprah even human
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
