Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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