does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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