What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
