I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
So squirting runs in the family.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
