Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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