I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
