Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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