can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize