Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
